The rollercoaster

Word of the year MANIFEST!

A year of manifestation, no one knew this is how 2020 would be. I believe most people started the year on a positive note, writing down what you want to achieve, improve on or rework on from the previous year. We have set short-term, long-term and continuous goals. Self-improvement, health, a better job, relationship etc. Then 2020 happened

What has this year taught me?

I’ve always known that things aren’t black and white there’s a little grey area in between and some colour if you want. And well 2020 has proven to be colourful. I wanted a change in my life, in all aspects of it, little did I know I’d be spending it in one place that I’ve left years ago and hoped not to return permanently. I didn’t know a short visit would turn into a temporal forever stay. I didn’t know that this visit would force me to revisit places that I thought I’ve escaped. That I would relieve the traumas of my past, that I’d be sucked back into a lifestyle I hate. I didn’t know my escape wasn’t forever I would be forced into a dungeon to face my demons once again.

The feeling of being stuck or drawn back into a vortex of the never-ending cycle could bring weariness, self-doubt, especially if you never dealt with the past demons but swiftly swept them under the carpet. Being forced to deal with the feeling of resentment, I had to visit this aspect, why am I resentful towards this particular place and people. How can I change this situation to find peace or make peace with the situation if it cannot be changed? Why has this place and people bothered me for so long? How/ why did I allow this? Some of the questions I had to answer to deal with the situation.

Betrayal – God knows how I hate this, as an honest trustworthy person I always assume that the feelings or actions would be reciprocated. Unfortunately in the world we live in, not everyone has the conscious of doing right to the next person. I had to live with the betrayal demon nearby and what I hate the most is; I can let go of this demon but the demons of being wanted cannot allow that. I had to face what had torn me in the past and always bear a smile. Lord, this kills me every day because I know I can smoothly walk away but something keeps pulling me back.

Stagnant – How I thought I’ve moved from this pattern. In reality, I did move but other factors beyond my control have left a lot in one place. No one ever talks about revisiting the lifestyle that is so slow for my liking. I now know the right channels to temper with for you to move. What stops one from moving alone. How? Do I become a lone wolf because at the end of the day you’re paving your way? As mentioned it’s lonely at the top and having to move alone all the time does get to you. I feel distant from everything and everyone. I’ve become a stranger in my circle. New connections are often not real and filled with betrayal. And I find myself altering my existence to fit those around me and sadly it kills me.

Love – It becomes challenging to find genuine love because everyone I meet either wants something from me or they’re escaping their sick demons or they’re just passing by. To a certain extent, I’m scared to be the real me because I’ve been burnt several times for being myself and sadly they just can’t handle the power I possess. I’ve tried to move away from my usual dating line and try something new, be with someone outside my barriers, maybe, just maybe I’m over-ambitious hence I keep dating the same person.

Now seven months down the line I’m wondering is this even worth it because honestly I wasn’t born to shrink myself so that the next person will shine. I wasn’t born to hide my spark, no ways. I might be an introvert but You self-confidence is one thing I do not suffer from. Now I’m back to what I left or rather swept under the carpet because it was too hard to accept. I’m back to this being small and allow the person to put me down all the time because they’re suffering from demons known to them. I’m allowing myself to be shamed, shunned because I so need this.

F* no.

Seven long months of an unplanned stay and to face all that I have escaped and dealt with is hard. Having to accept that I’m not worthy of love because that’s what has been drilled in your head for so long. Success has become painful because I have to celebrate in small scale. I’ve been taught to be humble and not brag. Whatever I do doesn’t equate to my accomplishments because my shine has to be hidden to spare the feelings of those around. I’ve learnt to accept not being the centre of attention because other important bodies need the platform. Maybe I was never shy, humbleness drilled into my brain I became scared of the spotlight.

These seven long months have drawn me back into the dark hole of worthlessness – I know I shouldn’t allow it but how do I shine when there’s no one to shine with. How do I keep running while no one is there to run with or pass the baton to? I don’t seek validation to keep moving but sometimes just once I ask to be recognised. Seven long months have passed and I’m just drowning because what I can achieve and have achieved is pretty amazing for my 2020.

I might be emotionally depressed but I keep pushing and sadly I never have people to share with. The seven long months of 2020 have forced me to address issues I thought I’ve dealt with. Issues I thought I’ve long passed. It has forced me to face my demons and thank God for the gloomy 2020 because I seriously needed it. I had to make peace with certain relationships not being worth my attention, certain things not worth my interest anymore and having to redefine myself. I’m human, I’m allowed to grow. The demon that keeps saying I’ve changed- F* you with a smile. Yes, I’ve changed because that’s what humans do, evolve. Yes, I redefined myself and revisited certain principles and altered certain things because they no longer fit my character. Yes, I have changed because that’s what people are supposed to do. You’re stuck in one place as a scumbag because you refuse to change but keep bringing me down. You project your insecurities and always mention my ego to suit your narrative of refusing to change but remaining the abusive human.

The seven long months have helped me apply fuck this philosophy- if it’s not worth my energy f* it. If it doesn’t help me grow f* it. If it harms my mental health oh boy F* it. Life is too short to be pleasing others and the depressing times of 2020 have helped to say even through darkness one has to find what
makes them shine and reignite that spark.

I find joy in writing. Some might be personal experience others shared experiences or simply what I’ve come across and quite common in society and I think I have the right words to express it. 2020 has taught me to say it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be happy the same time. LIFE IS WEIRD, it has no one recipe and if we keep pleasing the masses and wear masks we’ll be dead before our time. The seven gloomy months have been louder than anything on earth. They’ve helped revisit humanity, how do you help those around you. How does one become selfless?

I’ve always hoped my writing does something for the next person as much as it’s a healing tool for me. My sane ground, the words shall tremble through space and those who need them shall use it accordingly.

Remember, people change. What you liked a month ago can become your pet peeve today. You aren’t forced to maintain the same position till Jesus come, for goodness sake our beloved holy book changes several times but one key thing is LOVE. Remember even when you change, grow, alter your beliefs you still have to hold one thing that translates throughout your growth. Mine is kindness and trust. Mom made no mistake by naming me THEMBEKILE for the principle of trustworthiness and kindness translates in everything I do, altruism.

The seven long months that forced me back to space I thought I was stuck in but interestingly I can always leave it and let go if I want to. Remember life is the pronunciation of HYPERBOLE, Nami angazi.