Conversation with a friend
History has a funny way of repeating itself, these words escaped my mouth in February.
Friend: History you say,
Me: Yeah history friend. You know that thing that happened in the past and you prayed to God that it should never happen again. Well, history just loves being present.
Friend: But are you sure it’s history,
Me: Ha ha ha, yeah I’m certain, history has visited me once again. History has crept in unexpectedly, it has clung its claws in my life. Its voice is so pure like a sweet melody whispering sweet nothings, serenading me into its seductiveness. History has said hello my love I’m here to stay. History has decided to creep in and say you thought I wouldn’t come back. History has become my lover once again.
Friend: But you sure it’s history that’s here.
Me: Er… what do you mean am I sure, yes I’m certain. It’s the same event relieving itself through another person. Yes, it came as prince charming in his white stallion. Yes, it came as a God-fearing man. Yes, it came as the perfect match. Oh yes, it has come with all the similar traits but this time refined as ever. This time so clean and sleek, no crack whatsoever. Oh it’s history I tell you, and he’s just saying I can leave again but you know me I’ll be back.
Friend: Oh boy, seems like you’re attracted to it.
Me: Yah yah yah, true I am, I can’t help it. It’s like, a honeycomb you know it’s gonna make you sick if you have too much of it but you can’t let your lips part from it, your teeth sink in deeper at every bite. This present history I know it’s toxic but what can I do?
You’re screwed and in love
Friend: Oh friend you’re screwed.
Me: Yep friend I know and it’s scary to admit it. How do I constantly fall for the same? I tried to run and said probably one from this part of the universe will do. But sadly that one has the error of those I’ve run away from. This one also has this major flaw. Oh, this history is such a charmer with a smooth tongue that spits venom. Its venom is so sweet and kills you slowly. This history friend is just too perfect to be flawed.
Friend: Aye Ya ya friend how are we getting out of this.
Me: Oh boy, I guess this history cannot escape. This history is a life lesson. This history says look at yourself and tell me where did you lose it. This history says introspection, what did you miss? Where did you turn and you know you weren’t supposed to? What did you compromise for me to revisit you? Have you forgotten who you are?
Oh history why are you asking me this?
Friend help, how do I answer this, what do I say?
Friend: Friend history is telling the truth, introspection. what happened?
Me: Not you, I thought you’re my sane space, but you’re also asking me the same thing. I don’t know where I lost it, I don’t know how I lost it, I don’t know why it feels like I’ve compromised my values. Why does it feel like I’ve lost myself?
Shattered, lost, confused
Friend, I’m shattered by the reality that I face. I’m shattered by the discovery. I’m shattered by my own thoughts. I’m shattered by my vulnerability. I’m shattered that I let my guard down. I’m shattered that I saw his traits but said it can’t be history this is present and he’s different. I’m shattered that I went against my instincts when I saw history surfacing. I’m shattered that I was blinded by the shining armour. I’m shattered.
Conversation with history
History: Hey love, this is me, History, I just wanna tell you that you should never ignore me. I come in all forms, I take upon the persona of your love. I live with them, I live in them, I learn and I become who they are. And when I’m ready I strike, boom! Hi, love.😃 Don’t worry this time I came in early as a warning, ignore me and it’s your funeral.
Me: But history how can you do this, how do you come as a warning and not the final thing? Really, tell me what more can you do this time? You’ve done your worse in the past, destroyed my every being. Destroyed my emotions, I lived because I’m still breathing. I laugh because I’m still here. I smile because I can but all feelings were lost in the past. So tell me what’s the worst you can do? I doubt that there’s anything you can throw at me that I cannot handle. I doubt I’ll breakdown because I’ve already dealt with your death so history step back and let the present live
History: My love you know I’m attached to you, you’re attracted to me and well I ain’t going anywhere.
Me: Goodbye history and let present shine.
History has a funny way of revisiting you.
By T. Sibiya