Time to call it quits?

“You ruin my day.”; him.

What do you do when you’re all excited and all you want to do is speak to that person who brings a smile to your face. I’m talking about your ray of sunshine. Oh yes, I can see that smile, you know who I’m talking about. Let me give a second to text that person and tell them exactly how you feel.

The love journey

Love is something else, I thought I had this on lockdown but to be honest, it’s flip’in dribbling me. I’ve reached a point where I want to check myself into a convent and be a nun because I’m tired. When did love become so complicated? I remember when I started dating many moons back, it was all fun and game, movies, games, chilling you know that beautiful puppy love. It wasn’t this complicated. Maybe it started with the guy who asked me to prove my love to him, and I told him hell no, he could find someone to do that with him. Ja, sang that song to three other suitors who followed because I was still young. I wasn’t ready for such, and it was against my moral beliefs. For goodness sake, varsity was kicking my ass. Damn, school, I saw flames, a story for another day. Anyways, some of these gentlemen would listen to me find someone else to screw while they keep popping in my life because I was a fresh breeze. I don’t know why they came back but I had a lot of things going on in my life, so relationships weren’t my strongest point.

“Hey friend, do you know about the KZN person?”

One of the gentlemen fetched a girl from KZN to live with him while he wanted something serious with me, Oh hell no, I disappeared without a word. Look, I said to them find someone to screw, they you honestly thought I’d chill. Another one took someone from church because he didn’t want to mess my future (his words). Well, that’s a summary of how my dating life was fun and complicated, I’m not all innocent in this when they found their screw partners I’d move on with someone else. It was a game of hopping from one person to another.

The “perfect” gentleman

Then came this human after two years of saying fuck this relationship business, I shall be 20 something-year-old spinster. He was all charming, and I fell, all in. Fuck, I lost myself, my brain escaped me. He was what I wanted, I prayed, and God answered. The fairy tale didn’t last long, and all his shenanigans came out. I thought it was paranoia; I stuck around. Three years in, I’m referred to as a nightmare. Here I am thinking, didn’t I give you a chance with all your baggage. Wasn’t I the one who said it’s all in the past, today you know how to swear at me as though I’m doing what you did to me. Wow.

Shocked for days

I’m still shocked, does it make sense that prince charming can turn out to be not so lovely anymore. I lost my voice to write because he was the police, the governor. That strong levelheaded woman I was,  got lost amid tolerance and love.

Hearing harsh words, words you’ve heard being said to someone else because they were trying to impress you. Every time you’re visited by the same nightmare who ruined your reputation. The stale conversation, ja, mmmh, huh, o, ok, huh. The end is here conversation. Yes, we went through that stage of the end. I laugh about it today because what else can I do. I guess it’s the path God wanted me to go through, a path that makes no sense whatsoever but fuck I went through it. Being told I’m difficult and stubborn, WTF, why did I tolerate abuse.

It has nothing to do with self-esteem because mine is one steroids. I ooze confidence in every step I take, every word uttered by my lips screams command, someone who’s sure about themselves and who they are.

Ja, love has shown me flames over the years, and I’m still recovering from the harsh words of you ruin my day.